I Don't Want To Be Brave

Last night Erin had a hard time falling asleep. She was scared. The light in her room, her brother in the bunk below, the sounds from the family room did nothing to soothe her. I tried to assure her that she was safe, but my words did nothing to calm her. I explained that even though she was scared she needed to be brave. But the tears begin to well up in her eyes as she could see I was sending her back to bed. So I caved and let her fall asleep on the couch. It didn't take long in a comfortable setting for her drift into a secure sleep. About an hour later I picked her up and placed her back in her own bed.
Then as I was attempting to drift off into my own peaceful sleep I heard her begin to whimper. I laid there for a moment and said a quick prayer, "Oh Lord, please let her go back to sleep." Then I waited. A pause. Another whimper. Another pause. And then the words that profoundly touched me, "I don't want to be brave." My heart lurched. I knew just what she meant.
Isn't it true? We know we need to brave. We know we need to press on in life taking steps even though we are petrified. But, we hit moments when we just want to curl up in the arms of a parent and whimper, "I don't want to be brave. I want to be held today. I want you nearby. I need you to be next to me."
I wonder if God would allow me that. To wrap up in a ball and whimper to him, "I don't want to be brave." Would He hold me? Would him comfort me? Would he allow me stay on the couch and sleep in His security? Or would He lift my chin and say, "Be brave my little one. Now get back out there." I like to believe He would do both.
In my mind He would hold me and wrap his secure arms around me and whisper, "Right now you don't have to be brave. Right now you just need to stay with me and allow me to comfort you. You don't need to be tough. Cry if you want to cry. Shiver if you need to shiver. Be scared if that is what you are. Allow yourself that. Take this time in my security to pull yourself together little one. Be loved. Be secure."
And as I regain my bravery and my security begins to grow He would tell me to go back to my bed and sleep in security. But, what is so different about God is that He can allow us to spread our wings and soar back to our lives at the same time hold us in security. Mom's can't do that. Dad can't do that. Friends can't do that. The deep loves in life cannot do that. He is always holding. Always whispering. Always hugging. He never lets go. His security wraps around us like a deep, heavy blanket. Even while we are soaring with arms wide.
But to have His security, His warmth, a piece of His couch we have to say it to Him. "I don't want to be brave Lord. I am scared. I don't want to do this alone. I want you to hold me." He will. We can tell Him we don't want to be brave. He is waiting to hold us. All we have to do is ask. His grace is deep. His love is long. And his security is constant. He can do what others in our lives do not have the capacity to do. He is God. :)
I want to believe all of this. I truly, truly do. But I get scared it's not true. I feel like God is more real for others than for me. I get nervous that He won't hold me or even if He did I wouldn't feel it. I wouldn't know it. And what if that meant there wasn't a God? Where would I be in this life without my God? What would happen to my world? And that stops me. Stops me from telling my God I am scared. Stops me from spreading my wings. Instead I lay in my bed and hide under the covers where own breathe makes the air hot and difficult to breathe. I lay there willing myself to stop my emotions. Willing myself to be brave. I need to step out and be just brave enough to admit that I don't want to be brave.
So here is my thread of bravery "Hold me Lord, I don't want to be brave."